


Dive Hard...With A Fingeance

by brokenhighways



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Different Powers, Community: spn_cinema, Fish Puns, Fish out of Water, M/M, Sharks, Waterbending & Waterbenders, based on a movie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-29
Updated: 2014-05-29
Packaged: 2018-01-27 01:38:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1710281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenhighways/pseuds/brokenhighways
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared Padalecki is a shark whisperer. Well, that’s what they call him. Technically, you could say that his ability to communicate with sharks does in fact make him a shark whisperer. To Jared, it's a part of him, a gift that he was born with. He doesn't care that he's mocked in the media for being crazy (and having questionable hair). What he cares about is keeping peace between sharks and human beings. It’s too bad that the sharks have other ideas. Featuring Jensen as a water shifter and Misha as a villainous shark.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dive Hard...With A Fingeance

**Author's Note:**

> written for [](http://spn-cinema.livejournal.com)spn_cinema with Sharknado as the movie prompt. I love SyFy shark movies and I LOVED Sharknado. So I obviously had to write my own version. This is probably the most bizarre thing I’ve ever written but I had a blast writing the first half of this, I really did. A two month hiatus later and I was kind of like….SHIT I FORGOT WHAT I PLANNED and I just winged it! Regardless of that, I hope that you guys still enjoy reading it! Feedback is appreciated, as always! -BH

 

 

 

Jared Padalecki is a shark whisperer. Well, that’s what they call him. Technically, you could say that his ability to communicate with sharks does in fact make him a shark whisperer. To Jared, it's a part of him, a gift that he was born with. He doesn't care that he's mocked in the media for being crazy (and having questionable hair). What he cares about is keeping peace between sharks and human beings. The doubters may have prevented him from stopping the Jersey Shore Shark Attack, talking down Super Shark and holding peace talks with Mega Croc and Dinoshark. Plus there was that whole melee with Sharktopus, but Jared's plane was delayed and by the time he reached town, people had already died and Sharktopus was no more so that wasn’t really anything to do with him.

Luckily for Jared, his chance to shine falls right into his lap. Literally. He's sitting on the beach, watching out for sharks when someone trips over his legs and comes crashing down on him. There's a mad scramble as the intruder tries to untangle them and when the person finally gets off him, Jared finds himself being mesmerized by a pair of dazzling green eyes. Before he can examine the owner of said eyes, a burst of water crashes down loudly and Jared looks up to see a circle of shark fins. He scrambles up and uses his binoculars to get a closer look.

" _Poseidon's pissed_ ," one of the sharks is saying. " _Apparently they dumped another batch of toxic waste into the sea again. A whole wing in the hospital has been dedicated to the infected sharks_."

" _I say we get out there and start eating those fuckers_ ," another shark adds. " _I doubt that half-bred they've got investigating the matter will come up with anything good_."

Jared feels his concern growing as he listens to the sharks. They seem to be talking about some sort of revolt against humans. It's here that Jared's abilities should come in handy, but he's found that he can't really reason with more than one shark at a time. They get hungry when they're angry, and they get a little murderous when they're angry. It's a cycle that Jared is not stupid enough to be a part of.

(He doesn’t like to talk about that one time he was once stupid enough to get involved.)

"Excuse me," the man who fell on Jared starts speaking and he turns to him. This guy not only has those amazing green eyes, he's inhumanely pretty. Strong jaw, accented cheekbones and whatever other adjectives Vogue uses to describe hot people, this guy is _all_ of it. Hot guy hands Jared a sheet of paper.

"I'm looking for a Barack Obama," the guy says, in a very serious voice. His tone is a little weird. It's clipped and free of an accent and Jared wonders where this man is from. "I believe that he’s the President of this Great Nation? I have a list of demands from my clients that he needs to be presented with." Jared takes the list, if only so he can take a picture of it and regale his Twitter followers with a slightly exaggerated version of his conversation with hot guy. Apparently posting _Instagram_ pictures of the beach is a "waste of everybody's time" and Jared isn't going to ignore his fans. Not when he still has $15,000 left to raise for his _Kickstarter_ campaign.

The list itself is rather bizarre.

**THIS IS AN OFFICIAL DOCUMENT FROM THE COURT OF POSEIDON.**

_We, the nation of Great White Sharks, hereby protest the actions of the US government. We demand that you cease contaminating the Pacific Ocean immediately and comply with the wishes that we will provide below._

**1\. We want Paris Hilton.**

"Paris Hilton?" Jared's not sure if he's reading the list correctly. He turns it upside down. Maybe they want two nights in Paris…. _at_ the Hilton.

Hot guy coughs uncomfortably. "Ocean creatures are a little behind when it comes to television. We still get _The Simple Life_." Jared winces sympathetically before returning back to the list.

**2\. We want 50 billion USD by the end of the month.**

“We’re kind of in the middle of a financial crisis here,” Jared says. “They barely even have that much to spend on the country, let alone funding whatever the hell the sharks plan to do with it.”

“It’s cute that you think that,” Hot guy says dryly, before muttering something under his breath. Jared is sure that he hears the word ‘naive’ but he chooses to ignore it. He’s not the one who’s shown up with a stupid list.

**3\. We demand the release of all sea creatures currently contained in your abominable prisons.**

The word abominable gets Jared a little hot under the collar. They hadn’t allowed him to negotiate during all of those shark attacks, but they’d had the gall to call him to talk down the fucking _Abominable Snowman_. And then afterward when he couldn’t do anything, he’d gotten even more bad press. Never mind the fact that the authorities had called a shark whisperer to deal with an out of control overgrown _monster_.

**4\. A private concert with Jay Z and Beyoncé. #watchthethrone**

Jared blinks. “You know, this list is pretty fickle considering the fact that there are a bunch of infected sharks down there. Surely the sharks should be asking for some medicine or something, not a chance to watch Jay Z wave his diamonds around and maybe toss a sweaty Brooklyn Nets jersey at you.”

“Hey, I didn’t write the list,” Hot guy says. “Just doing what I’m told.”

**5\. More requests will be made once we’ve seen that you’re willing to agree to our previous terms.**

“Well, you’re never going to get this to the President,” Jared says while handing the letter back to Hot guy. “But good luck.” He turns and slips his canvas slip-on shoes on, and shoves his stuff into the beach bag. Hot guy stands there and watches him thoughtfully. The waves crash thunderously once more and he looks up to see that the sharks are still circling the area. There seem to be twice as many as there were before.

“ _There’s that asshole, the one who stopped me from eating that seal!_ ” one of the sharks says. “ _Look at him, and all of that ridiculous hair on his giant head._ ” Jared frowns and reaches up to run a hand through his hair self-consciously. Hot guy gasps suddenly and looks from the water to Jared and back again.

“Are you….you’re Jared the Shark Whisperer, aren’t you?” he says. “We’ve heard a lot about you. I mean, you’re kind of a joke to the sharks and Poseidon thinks you’re an idiot, but still, it’s an honour to meet you! I’m Jensen by the way. It was a nice thing you did, saving Osric the Seal from Misha.” Jensen grins and bounces a little. Only then does Jared see that he’s dressed in a smart black suit, with a white shirt and shiny, black dress shoes. Plus a tie that has tiny goldfish on it.

“Uh, how’s the little guy doing?” Jared asks because he doesn’t know where to begin. Is hot guy another shark whisperer?

Jensen’s smile drops. “Misha ate him two days later. Sorry.”

“Oh,” Jared says. He hadn’t been able to communicate with Osric the Seal, but he’d seemed nice enough. That Misha was really a nasty piece of work. “Wait, are you the half-bred that’s supposed to be investigating the whole toxic waste dump thing?” Jensen’s face morphs into an even sadder expression and Jared curses his foot-in-mouth syndrome.

“Wanna go grab a coffee?” he asks in an attempt to lighten the mood.

~

By the time, he and Jensen make it off the beach and into the little cafe that sells these scones that Jared just _adores_ , the wind has picked up a little and a lot of people have escaped the mini sand dunes and are crammed into the tiny cafe.

“So, I take it that the sharks don’t like you very much,” Jared says when they’re sitting down at a table. Jensen is sniffing at his coffee curiously, his nose scrunched up adorably and Jared kind of wants to pat him on the head.

“Understatement,” Jensen murmurs right before he takes a sip. His eyes fly open once he’s swallowed and he makes the most obscene noise. And then he drinks more, and makes more noises and Jared feels a little flutter in his stomach.

“Can I get another one of these?” Jensen says once he’s drained his cup. Jared snorts, but orders him another coffee. “And to go back to what we were saying before I discovered how awesome coffee is, they _hate_ my guts. They think that because my mother was human, Poseidon loves me more. Which is stupid because he loves all of us, and really, he’s _Poseidon_ , he’s basically a giant teddy bear.”

Jared looks up from his phone, “Really? _Wikipedia_ tells me that he can cause _earthquakes_.”

“You land-people should know better than to believe everything you read on the internet.” Jensen rolls his eyes. Jared wonders when the hell the internet reached the ocean.

“Anyway, what are you going to do about the sharks?” Jared asks. “I really don’t think Obama will ever get this. Or take it seriously. Though you might get Paris Hilton to show up if the price is right.”

“Oh well, in that case I’ll talk to Poseidon,” Jensen says solemnly. Jared’s not sure if he’s being serious, but finds that he’s not too upset at the prospect of Paris Hilton being taken in by a bunch of sharks.

  
~

The next day finds Jared waking up at midday. Technically he’s a marine biologist, but it turns out that research facilities are reluctant to hire anyone who’s been dubbed ‘crazy’ by the media. So he relies on eBay auctions (his fan girls are seriously loyal - he once got $50 for a chipped plate with a dolphin on it) and his lifeguard job at the beach to pay his rent. As he walks around his apartment aimlessly he finds himself thinking about Jensen. He doesn’t even know what Jensen _is_ , and he hadn’t thought to ask before Jensen had made his excuses hastily and disappeared. He isn’t even sure what Jensen _is_. Human? Half-human? half-god? Demi-god? Half demi-god? It’s all very confusing. What isn’t confusing is how good Jensen looks. Jared doesn’t really ever have many boyfriends, on account of being vilified by the media constantly. It’s one of the many downsides of living in Los Angeles. Anyway, the lack of boyfriend thing means that Jared hasn’t gotten laid in what seems like forever. All of his potential hook-ups tend to vanish mysteriously when he hasn’t been in a flurry of articles for a while. So he doesn’t really feel all that bad about making Jensen his jerk-off fodder one day after meeting him. It’s not like he’ll see Jensen again.

  
Just as that thought enters his head there’s a knock on his window and Jared looks up to see Jensen standing there. He’s in another suit, though this one is not as crisp as the one he was wearing yesterday due to the torrential downpour that’s currently taking place outside. Huh. It’s July. In L.A. And it’s raining. That’s weird.

“I spoke to Poseidon, and he’s _pissed_ ,” Jensen says hurriedly when Jared lets him in. “I mentioned the Paris Hilton thing and he didn’t seem too impressed, but mostly he was angry that the land-people would get away with the toxic waste dumping. And, Jared, it’s getting serious down there. Sharks are going crazy.”

“Is Poseidon causing this?” Jared gestures towards his window. The rain is pounding the window hard and if he looks close enough he can see the trees swaying in the wind.

Jensen shrugs nonchalantly. “I don’t know. Probably. We have bigger things to worry about.”

Jared blinks. “What could be bigger than a pissed off God?”

“Jared, come on,” Jensen says as he shakes himself dry. “Teddy bear, remember. A giant cuddly one. Anyway, Misha’s been rounding up all of his buddies. They’re plotting something big.”

“I can talk to them,” Jared says. “Or well, one of them, because facing off a bunch of angry sharks is only going to get you killed.”

“They won’t listen to you,” Jensen says. “No offence, but they’re still pissed over the whole seal thing. However, I have a guy on the inside. Maybe they’ll listen to him.

~

Jensen’s ‘guy on the inside’ turns out to be a shark named Chris, who shows up with another shark. That one is female and nameless, on the account of the fact that Jared was told that there’d be _one_ shark showing up.

“I’m sure I told you about my one shark rule,” Jared says as Jensen kneels down at the edge of beach, waves slowly lapping at his shoes. The weather seems to have calmed down a little, the thunderous rain now merely a calm drizzle.

“Maybe you’d be a better shark whisperer if you amended that rule,” Jensen says. “Though, I heard about that whole mess with the Abominable Snowman, so perhaps one shark at a time is a suitable goal for you. Anyway, relax, Chris and Danneel are harmless.”

“ _Who’s the Yeti?_ ” the shark who Jared assumes is Chris says. He tries not to flinch at the mention of ‘Yeti’ because dammit, he still has bad memories about that.

“My name is Jared.”

“He’s the Shark _Whisperer_.” Jared doesn’t like the slightly mocking edge to Jensen’s tone and he shoots him an annoyed look.

“ _The same one that you have cru—ow_!” Chris’ words are cut off by a huge wave and Jensen blushes. Jared momentarily forgets that he’s annoyed with him because it’s seriously the _cutest_ thing _ever_.

“ _Nice work with saving Osric The Seal_ ,” Danneel says brightly. “ _Though he was e_ —“

“Eaten by Misha anyway,” Jared interjects. “Got that memo.”

“Can we please get back to the matter at hand,” Jensen says. “Poseidon is pissed and Barack Obama is unavailable. So we have a pissed off God and a bunch of angry sharks on our hands. We need a plan.”

“ _I’ve already got one; I hear Bermuda is nice at this time of the year,”_ Chris says. “ _I was planning on swimming there tonight_.”

“Yeah, yeah, sure you are - do you know what Misha has planned?” Jensen asks wearily.

“ _Well, he’s been riling Poseidon up all day_ ,” Danneel answers. “ _I heard him saying that the land-people had dumped in more of that crap into the ocean, but they usually make drops once per month._ ”

“Why would he lie?” Jared asks.

Jensen sighs. “The angrier Poseidon gets, the more danger the land-people are in. And last night a whole school of sharks vanished from the infirmary.”

Jared is seriously wondering if Jensen knows what a teddy bear _is_. Maybe his idea of a teddy bear is Bigfoot.

“ _You know, I heard that all of those chemicals have turned all of those sharks into blood-thirsty killers_ ,” Chris says. “ _That’s why we’re getting the hell out of dodge. I do **not** want to get shot_.”

Jared frowns. “Aren’t _all_ sharks blood thirsty killers?””

“ _You know, for a Shark Whisperer, you don’t seem to know a lot about us_.” Chris doesn’t sound too impressed. Jared takes a couple of step backs just in case.

“He’s still learning,” Jensen says defensively. “And we have to have to give him a chance to save the city.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Jared says. “No one said anything about me saving the _entire_ city?” He might be the Shark Whisperer, but this isn’t _Dive Hard_ , he’s not John yippi-ki-yay Mclaine. Though now that he’s thinking about it, ‘Dive Hard’ would be a pretty kick ass name for the documentary he’s planning on making (he’s up to $14, 987 on his Kickstarter campaign).

“ _Seriously, Jensen_?” Chris’ tone is full of disbelief. “ _This is the guy you were raving about? You said that he could help save as many land-people as possible. Are you sure this is the real Shark Whisperer. Look at his shirt for God’s sake, it has **flowers** on it_.”

“Not just any flowers,” Jared says triumphantly. “ _Pink roses._ I bet you don’t have those down there in _SeaWorld_.”

“ _Why you little_ …” Chris growls angrily. “ _I ought to bite your legs off_...”

“Try it, fish face,” Jared snaps. Jensen turns to him and mouths ‘ _Fish face?_ ’Jared shrugs. He’s never been good at coming up with witty insults on-the-spot. It’s not in his nature. He’s a fish lover, not a fighter. Seriously, he doesn’t even go to fish-fry’s anymore and he used to _love_ those things.

“ _I hope you’re right about him, Jensen_ ,” Danneel says once Chris swims away. “ _We’ll do our best to hold them off. Maybe we can try talking to Poseidon again_.” Jensen nods in her direction and she turns to follow Chris.

Jared waves, before looking back at Jensen. “Thanks for sticking up for me back there! Everyone thinks that I’m kind of hopeless.” He smiles his widest and most awesome smile, the one that seems to make people go a little crazy.

“You _are_ hopeless, Jared,” Jensen says with a disdainful look. Apparently he’s immune to the power of Jared’s killer smile. “But you’ve got one thing you didn’t have back when you tried to talk down the Abominable Snowman. _Me_.”

“Is anyone ever going to let me forget that?” Jared complains petulantly. “I’m a shark whisperer, not a Yeti whisperer.”

“Well, genius, what’s the plan now? We have the rest of the day to come up with a way to tackle and contain a bunch of blood thirsty sharks in case Chris and Danneel can’t do anything to stop Misha.”

Jared blinks. He’s not really sure how they’re going to do that. He’s starting to think that people hear the words _Shark Whisperer_ and think that he has some sort of magic ability to control what sharks do. That’s not the case. Well. Maybe it had been back when he was working at SeaWorld, but for the most part all he can do is hear them. Jared doesn’t think that Jensen will be too pleased if he says that so he tries to come up with a plan. He thinks about it for a long time. Long enough that Jensen starts to pace around while brushing seaweed off his suit. Jensen must be _boiling_ despite the rain and wind and impending hurricane.

“Ah-ha!” he says. He knows a way that Jensen can cool down. “Ice cream. We should totally go and buy some.”

Jensen sighs. “Really, Jared? _Ice cream_? The city is going to be knee deep in sharks come this time tomorrow and you want to go and buy _ice cream_.” The way Jensen says _ice cream_ just makes Jared want it even more. He would suggest that they get the ice cream, take it back to his apartment and lick it off each other, but they _do_ have an entire city to save.

“The creamy texture really gets my brain juices flowing,” is what he says instead. Jensen gives him a look of despair but he seems to agree that ice cream is what they need.

“Fine. In that case, let’s get you some ice-cream!”

~

Watching Jensen lick ice-cream off a spoon is pure torture. The way the tip of his pink tongue snakes out and caresses the spoon and licks up the creamy, smooth—

“You look like your brain juices are flowing pretty quickly,” Jensen says once he’s done. “So come on. What’s the plan?” Jared makes a big deal of moving his spoon around as he tries to think about something other than the skilfulness of Jensen’s tongue. The truth is that he’s got nothing. They could take down the sharks with assault rifles or something, but that seems unnecessarily cruel. He considers a _chainsaw_ for a few minutes but…there’s no way that would work. Unless he was trapped inside the shark, and miraculously survives somehow and needs to saw his way out. Like _that_ would ever happen. Jared snorts to himself.

“What about you?” He asks Jensen. “Your Dad’s a _God_ ; you must have some kind of ability.”

“Huh? Oh…well…I guess I can move water around a little,” Jensen says in a bashful tone. “Wait, let me see if I can move your ice cream. Stay still.” Jared then watches as Jensen waves a hand at Jared’s ice cream serving. The ice cream moves upwards quickly, shoots out of the glass and right onto Jared’s face. Jensen’s eyes widen as the ice cream drips off Jared’s face. He sticks his tongue out and licks the chocolate flavoured ice cream off from underneath his nose.

“Maybe it works best with water?” Jensen says sheepishly.

~

Jared is halfway through his shower when he comes up with an idea - water guns and a loudspeaker. He finishes up quickly, and wraps a towel around his waist and rushes out of his bathroom. He stops in his tracks when he finds Jensen sitting on his bed. He’s staring intensely at Jared’s water jug and the liquid is sloshing over at the sides.

“How good do you think you can get at the whole water thing if you spend the whole night practising?” he asks excitedly. Jensen is startled by Jared’s voice, and also by his nakedness if the expression on his face is anything to go by.

“You’re welcome to grab a shower too if you want,” Jared says when Jensen doesn’t answer his question. “You must be all _wet_ and _sticky_ from the rain.” Jared makes sure that he says ‘wet’ and ‘sticky’ in the sultriest tone he can muster. By the way Jensen’s Adam apple bobble’s up and down, he nails it.

“Maybe I should, uh, wait. Downstairs. And you can come. Down, that is. Naked. I mean…when you’re fully clothed. Bye.” Jared laughs to himself as Jensen blushes and escapes. If he plays his cards right, perhaps his dry spell will come to an end soon.

Well. Right after he saves the city from a bunch of ravenous sharks with water guns.

Jared quickly says his prayers.

~

The next morning finds Jared and Jensen suiting up. Jared’s wearing an old Kevlar vest that he once found in a pawn shop, along with five plaid shirts and two pairs of jeans.

“Not only do you look like the Abominable Snowman,” Jensen says. “But there’s no way that you’re going to be comfortable once those jeans get wet.” Jared proceeds to wrap his legs with

Clingfilm. There’s a reason why he always stocks up on the good stuff.

“What about you?” Jared asks. “Isn’t the suit thing getting a little old? I mean, you do look pretty great in it and all but you might want to preserve it.”

“I think you’ll find that this suit is waterproof,” Jensen says smugly. “Perks of being Poseidon’s son.” Jared rolls his eyes and goes back to pondering their plan of action. According to Chris, Misha can’t be talked down and the sharks plan to escape into the city via a giant waterspout. He’s given Jensen his old _Xploderz Xstormer 575_ while he’s armed with his **_Super Soaker Scatter Blast_** (his last boyfriend was big on water fights). They go outside along with the stuffed whale that they’ve been using as practice. The clouds are stormy and grey and the rain’s already falling down _hard_. There’s no sign of the waterspout yet so Jared decides to run through their plan one more time.

“So I’m going to try and talk down the sharks,” Jared hoists up his _Xploderz Xstormer 575_ in one arm, and the loudspeaker in the other, “and try and shoot the really crazy ones at the same time….kind of like this!” He pulls the trigger and yells ‘Abort’ into the loudspeaker and a huge gush of water spurts out and hits Jensen square in the chest. Jensen’s eyes widen almost comically as he’s lifted off his feet and sent flying right into the middle of the street. Panic floods Jared’s system and he drops the speaker and water gun and rushes over to see if Jensen is okay.

“Oh my god, are you alright?” he says as he pats Jensen down and tries to feel for any wounds.

Jensen sits up slowly, and grabs Jared’s hands in his. Jared calms down when he realises that Jensen is smiling.

“That was so _exhilarating!_ ” he says happily. “We’ve got to get some of those X things down in the ocean once all of this over.” Jared smiles back, ignoring the sadness in his chest. Even though he’s only known Jensen for a couple of days, he’s going to miss him when he’s gone.

He could ask Jensen to stay, but…he doesn’t think that he’s worth staying for.

~

A flurry of screams piercing through the air is the first indication that Misha has put his plan into action. The second is the shark that comes hurtling in their direction. Jared gapes at it, eyes wide as he spots the shark's crazy eyes.

  
"Blast it!" Jensen screams from beside him. Jared scrambles for the _Xploder_ and pulls the trigger, breathing a sigh of relief when the shark flies in a large semi-circle shaped arc and lands in his neighbour’s front yard. Jared doesn't give it a second look; he just hauls Jensen upwards and pulls him back into his house. _CNN_ is blaring loudly from where he'd left the TV on.

  
"Wow," Jensen says as the watch events unfold onscreen. "That is a fucking huge waterspout. And I don't think I've ever seen so many sharks at once." He almost sounds impressed, so enthralled by the screen that he misses Jared's incredulous stare.

  
"You know you really undersold the whole teddy bear thing," he remarks sarcastically. Jensen doesn't even respond at first, just continues to stare at the screen.

  
"Did I really say teddy bear?" he says eventually. "I probably should have said sea lion. They're friendly until you piss them off. Or steal their food. Which is the same thing really."

Jared blinks rapidly. "You're insane. I'm about to try and save the city with a _crazy person_!"

Jensen scoffs. "Dude, you _talk_ to sharks. Do you really want to talk about crazy?" Jared cocks his head to one side as he considers this. Talking to sharks is pretty out there.

"Fair point," he relies with a shrug. “Come on let’s go. We have a city to save."

~

By the time they reach the main streets, there is pure pandemonium. Cars have been overturned and people are running around like headless chickens and screaming loudly.

  
"This is what I imagine a Justin Bieber concert would sound like," Jared muses to himself. Jensen rolls his eyes and blasts a shark that flies out of nowhere. Jared's Bluetooth earpiece crackles in his ear and his best friend Chad's voice filters through.

  
"Dude, you left me seven messages about a bunch of shit that I did not understand," he says around a huge yawn. There's a loud thud in the background and Jared waits for Chad to say something else.

  
"Hey, Shark Kent, was that a shark that just hit my window?" Chad splutters. "In the middle of a hurricane?"

  
"Probably--look, it's a long story," Jared replies in between blasting sharks and dodging the mass of screaming bodies rushing past him. "Just meet me at the back in ten minutes. And bring your Super Soakers." His phone bleeps with another call and it's his other friend, Katie. He tells her to pick up Chad and meet them down there.

  
"Hey, Jared, do you think that you can do your whole shark whisperer thing now? Soon we're going to run out of water to shoot." Just as Jensen says that, Jared realises that he's been shooting nothing for the past two minutes. A piercing scream cuts into the air before he can figure out how to rectify that. He looks up to see a shark wobbling wildly on the bonnet of a young woman's car. He races towards it and whacks it with his empty Super Soaker.

  
"Hey, you. Why don't you pick on something your own size?" Jared says for a lack of better words.

  
" _Oh god, it's you,"_ the shark says as he cranes his sharp nose in Jared's direction. " _Great job with the seal by the way. Leaving him to get eaten by Misha anyway was just great. You're a real hero. My name’s Tom by the way_." Tom manages to look disgruntled and nonplussed at the same time.

  
Jared refuses to talk about this seal business anymore. "Uhm. Hi. Look, you don't need to do Misha's bidding for him. Why don't you round up your buddies and get them to lay off?"

  
" _I'm not doing anything for that asshole, but it's crazy down there. And the waterspout looked like it'd be fun to ride up. So, I did that_."

  
Jared grins and turns to look at it, it's still spitting out water violently, but there's no denying that it does look pretty damn awesome. "Oh yeah, how was it?"

  
" _The best_!" Tom babbles excitedly. Jared opens his mouth to reply but Jensen's voice sounds first.

  
"Jared. Focus."

Oh.

Right.

There's a huge storm brewing and sharks have escaped onto land. He's focused.

"Hey, Tom, is there any way you can get a message to Misha?"

  


~

  
They use the rain to refill their water guns but as the number of sharks increase, Jared realises that they have to come up with a better plan. As if on cue a hugs rumble sounds, followed by a wailing siren. He and Jensen look up from where they were reminiscing over the damage done to the _Backstreet Boys_ star on the _Walk Of Fame_ to see Chad pulling up in a fire truck, with another truck behind.

Jensen looks at Jared. "Why couldn't you come up with that?"

  
"Why couldn't you? Your father is a God! You have powers. Yet, I'm supposed to be the brains of this operation."

"You can be beauty if you want," Jensen says dryly. "It's obvious that you can't handle being the brains."

“You think Michael Jordan just came up with a winning technique in one day?” Jared says. “He was born with talent, and he had to _learn_ how to use it.”

  
Jensen is about to say something when a loud roar distracts them. Jared knows that it’s Misha even before he hears the shark laugh evilly.

  
“Work with Katie and Chad and I’ll distract him,” he says as he charges forward, Super Soaker locked and loaded to use to his advantage. Of course it doesn’t quite work like that. He charges, aims his gun but he doesn’t expect for Misha to stand his ground and he miscalculates how far he needs to run and ends up sliding straight inside of Misha. He falls flat on his face.

~

Being flat on your face inside a shark is not a life goal that anyone should aim for. That's what Jared decides as he lies face down on the pink lining inside Misha. And then he realises that he's in a shark, and oh fuck, he's _dead_. Naturally he starts screaming. There may also be tears, but Jared will never admit to that. He's still screaming when someone whacks him on the back of his head. Jared's cries cut off as he turns to see who his attacker is and comes to face with Paris Hilton. Her hair is a mess, her dress is torn and covered in scuff marks and he's missing a shoe.

  
"Damn, these sharks are good," Jared mutters under his breath.

  
"Are you here to get me out of here?" Paris asks hopefully.

  
Jared frowns. "Uh, no. I didn't even know you were in here."

  
Paris waves her diamond-encrusted iPhone at him. "But it's on TMZ!"

  
"You _still_ get service inside this thing?" Jared asks in disbelief. Paris shrugs as if to say 'duh'.

  
" _You wanted to talk, land-person, so let's talk_." Misha decides to enter the conversation.

  
"I meant face to face, not from the inner depths of your gut.” Jared wrinkles his noise. Inner shark smell is not very pleasant. There's no response but the faint echo of screams is enough for Jared to know that Misha has gone back to terrorizing people. Jared sighs and turns to face Paris, ignoring the stench and less than pleasant surroundings. She's typing away at her phone furiously, face twisted in barely concealed annoyance. Jared suddenly wishes that Jensen were here to say a snarky comment, or hold him or something. Not that Jared needs to be held. Hell, he’s the fucking Shark Whisperer. This is his moment to shine. He's going to save this city, be it from inside a shark, or back out there.

  
Suddenly that chainsaw idea from before doesn't sound so bad.

  
~

Twenty minutes later (according to Paris) Jared gets fed up of waiting for Misha to check back in. He's worried about Jensen. And Chad and Katie, and to a lesser extent everyone else (he’s only human). He's not sure how much carnage there is out there, but what's he sure of is that he's the one who needs to sort out this mess.

  
"What are you going to do?" Paris asks from where she's precariously placed on a Sears catalogue that Misha must have swallowed earlier. She's filing her nails and seemingly nonplussed that she's trapped inside a Great White Shark. He shakes his head.

 _Celebrities_.

  
"I'm gonna bust us out of this shark." Jared has a plan. It's a stupid one, but hey, right now stupid is the only game in town, so Jared's just going to suck it up and pitch.

  
Paris jumps up with barely contained joy and swiftly falls flat on her face. After doing his best to stop Paris from sobbing loudly (apparently her _Dolce and Gabbana_ evening gown is even more ruined than it was before). He tries to explain the concept of fabric detergents, but her face goes blank and he gives up.

“You don’t wash _couture_ ,” she says snootily. Jared holds his hands up in surrender. He moves further inside, doing his best to ignore the smell and way his feet slip-slide.

“We need something that we can use to pry open his mouth,” Jared says.

Paris follows after him. “Do I know you from somewhere?” Jared wonders what the hell that has to do with them finding an escape route out of Misha.

“I don’t think so,” he replies.

“We weren’t in a movie together or anything?” Jared shakes his head. She hums slightly, before she shrugs and goes back to typing away on her phone. Before he can make a remark, Jared’s world lurches violently and suddenly he’s propelled forward, out of Misha’s mouth. He sails through the air and lands on a pile of sand. Pain reverberates through his body as Paris ends up on top of him and he gently rolls her off. The ground is warm under his body.

“Jared! Jared! _Jared_!” Jared wheezes slightly as hands fan over his face. Slowly he realises that it's Jensen who's calling his name repeatedly in a panicked tone. He struggles to sit up, nose wrinkling as he catches a whiff of the air.  
  
"What the hell is that smell?" he asks. "It's noxious." Jensen laughs. Well. It's more of a half sob/half laugh, but Jared's not about to call him out on it.  
  
"We thought you were dead!" Jensen cries, slapping Jared's arm gently. Jared gives him an aggrieved look and Jensen grabs him and hauls him forward. "Don't you _ever_ do that again!" The look he gives Jared is so intense that he almost forgets that they're in the middle of battling a bunch of killer sharks. He wishes that he could forget in favour of drinking in the sight of Jensen and tracing his freckles.

“Copy that,” he says a little breathlessly. “No more getting eaten alive by sharks.”

  
"Guys, sorry to break up your little reunion, but we have a bunch of out of control sharks to deal with," Chad says.  
  
"Is there any way you can direct me to the nearest helipad? My pilot said that he can pick me up." Four pairs of eyes swivel towards Paris and then to the small aircraft currently lying in a heap on the ground. Plumes of smoke swirl upwards, smell of burning metal lingering in the air.

“A shark did that,” Katie says. “Do you really want endanger your pilot?” Paris shrugs, her pink fingernails scratching at her face slightly.

“If something happens to him, I can always get another pilot,” she says. “But uh, yeah. I better ask him to stay at home. I do _not_ want to have pay out any compensation. And I kind of like him. He’s always helpful when I’m deciding whether to wear Prada or Gucci.”

“Good lord,” Chad says. “Look we don’t have much time before the sharks come back this way. Everybody grab a hose – QUICK! That includes you, Paris.” Jared moves to grab the hose, wondering where they’re getting water from. It’s still pouring down with rain, water rising around them as the sewers fill up.

Paris stands there, hair dripping wet, dress almost certainly ruined beyond repair. “Excuse me? I…you expect _me_ to help you fight against these things? Uh, no. No way.”

“No one’s going to help save your ass,” Chad says. “Unless you _want_ to be trapped inside another shark?” That seems to swing it for her. Jared wonders just how long she’d been stuck inside of Misha.

“Alright, alright,” she pouts. She narrows her eyes at Chad and scrutinises him closely. “Wait, don’t I know you from somewhere? Were we in the same spin class or something?”

Jensen frowns. “What’s a spin class?”

“SHARK!” Katie yells. They all scramble to grab their hoses and proceed to kick ass.

~

They’re winning. At least Jared thinks they are; hell, even Paris is pulling her weight. He starts to think that they can do this. They can save the city and defeat the sharks. Of course that is when it happens. Jared’s blasting two particularly nasty sharks who’ve been telling him how they’re desperate to make him lunch meat when he sees shark heading for an unsuspecting Jensen. He’s too far enough to save him so he does the next best thing.

“EVERYBODY FREEZE, RIGHT NOW.” And well, damn if this megaphone in the fire truck isn’t pretty handy. It takes couple of seconds but soon all movement comes to a halt. Huh. Jared hadn’t been expecting that.

“Uh. Okay. Look, I get it. We humans have done some shitty things, and well, as of today you sharks have done some very shitty things. Like killing people. A lot of people. And okay, so humans maybe kill people too. I—“

“Jared?” Jensen calls. “Eye on the ball.”

“Right,” Jared says, giving Jensen a ‘thumbs up’. “What I’m saying is that all of this fighting is pointless. We should stop this madness and come together at one. And if not, that list you sent? We can work on that. Just stop killing people.”

“Jared,” Jensen’s voice is a little strained but Jared ignores him.

“ _How do we know that you’re being legit_?” one of the sharks asks.

Jared points at Paris. “We have Paris Hilton here. How about that, huh? She was the top thing on your list.” Paris makes an affronted noise, but thankfully she remains silent.

 _“And I made sure that I claimed her when I first hit land_.” Jared freezes and turns slowly to look at where Misha is swimming in the murky water that’s filled the streets. “ _You **stole** her from me_.”

“Oh boy,” Chad says from where he’s stationed.

“Look, forget Paris,” Jared says desperately. “What you want is for the people to stop pouring crap into the lake, right? So…take me. As a hostage.” Jensen is by his side within seconds and grabbing at his face, gripping it tightly.

“Are you out of your fucking mind?” he hisses. “I’m not going to let you do this.”

“I’ll be fine,” Jared whispers. “I promise. And if it stops them from all of this torment, then I have to do it. They want the US Government to listen. This is the only way.”

Jensen shakes his head frantically. “No. It can’t be. I’ll speak to Poseidon. See if he can help. Please, just….don’t do this. I can’t lose you.”

“You’re not going to lose me,” Jared says. “And if Poseidon was going to do anything he would have done it by now. You know that. I’ll be fine.” He extracts himself from Jensen reluctantly, and reaches down to squeeze his hand. Jensen squeezes back and Jared pretends not to see the tears in his eyes. He steps forward and says,

“I’m ready. Come and get me.”

Misha snorts. “ _As riveting as that speech was, Jared. We don’t want you as a hostage. However, we will **take** you_.”

Oh dear. There are several sharks swimming around him, forming a menacing circle of greedy, rabid eyes. Jared gulps.

“I don’t think this is going to end well,” Paris says. “I mean, I’ve seen this before. In that movie _Jaws_. Wait, let me see if I can load up the theme song.”

Katie turns to glare at her. “What is _wrong_ with you?”

“Jared…” Jensen’s voice is soft and distant but Jared still hears it. “Don’t just stand there! _Say something_.”

“Uh…” For once, Jared is lost for words. He’s sure that Misha and the rest of the sharks won’t kill him. What would they gain from his death? He blinks at the sharks hovering at his feet. He’ll be fine.

He isn’t fine.

Being scalped by a shark isn’t the most painful thing Jared has experienced. Well. Not at first anyway. He was once mauled by a dog and his head was sort of banged against the ground a lot and it was very painful. The shark’s teeth don’t seem that harmful at first. He can hear someone screaming in the distance and he thinks about telling whoever it is that it doesn’t even hurt all that bad. Of course that's pretty much when the pain kicks in and when he realises that _he's_ the one who's screaming. That goes on for a few minutes (hours? days?) before the hot white, sharp agony fades into a dull sting and everything goes black.

~

When Jared comes to the first thing he hears is the low tones of Paris Hilton's voice. Briefly he wonders if he's in hell, but then he realises that it's coming from a television screen. He sits up and observes his surroundings silently. He's in some sort of lounge bar, that's heavily decorated with the colour blue. He stands up and sees that there's a couch placed in front of a huge plasma screen TV that's playing _The Simple Life_. Things suddenly start making sense. Jensen. The shark attack. Chad. Katie. _Paris_. God, what if they're all dead?

"I take it that you lost the battle," a deep and amused voice sounds in the room. Closely followed by what sounds like the rumble of the ocean. Jared looks through the glass walls of the lounge and sees that it is the ocean. "And your clothes." That catches Jared attention and he looks down to see that he is very, very naked. Fuck.

"Who the hell are you?" he asks. "Where am I? Where are my clothes?"

"I'm Poseidon," the guy says. He's tall, with dark brown hair and a beard that Jared shouldn't find as sexy as he does. This guy _is_ Jensen's father after all. Not that Jared's even sure how exactly Greek Gods procreate, though he supposes that it's the fairly standard method of procreation that most bein—

"You can call me Jeff." Jared's snapped out of his highly pointless reverie and he blinks as he realises something.

"Am I'm dead?" Jeff raises an eyebrow as he turns off the TV and approaches Jared.

"Yep," Jeff says. "It's kind of funny actually. The Shark Whisperer getting taken out by a shark. I mean, you'd expect a shark whisperer to talk his way out of being mauled---scalped, if we're being exact. But nope. Here you are. Funny right?" Jared glares at him hard, eyes not wavering until the smile fades from Jeff's face. "So… Not funny? Got it."

Jared sighs, because Jeff's view will probably be the universal one. Incompetent Jared Padalecki went and got himself killed. And probably Jensen, Chad and Paris fucking Hilton killed, because he's a shitty shark whisperer who couldn't even take down the Abominable Snowman.

"You're right," Jared says eventually, as he sinks down onto one of the blue couches. "I am a pathetic joke of a shark whisperer." His throat feels dry and before he knows it a weird looking blue cocktail appears in his hand. He realises that he's now fully clothed, in a white crew neck T-shirt and jeans. He sends a silent prayer to God. And then he wonders if Jeff intercepted his prayer because he's a God and maybe they all kind of like timeshare prayers. And then Jared wonders why it is that he wonders a lot of stupid shit.

The silence that follows that thought is a little deafening.

Jeff shrugs. "Well yeah, but you've got one thing that I always like to see in people. Courage. I mean, you've had a lot of failures. And I mean A LOT. We've actually made it into a drinking game down here becau--"

"You're kind of just making me feel worse," Jared cuts in. "I just found out that I'm dead."

"Right, right, that's right," Jeff says with a nod. "You're a brave man and I like that about you. Even though you haven't been as successful as you’d like----as we’d all like you to really, becau--”

Jared sighs heavily. “You know, you could have just stopped at ‘I like that about you’.”

Jeff blinks at him. “Right, right, that’s right,” he says again. “Anyway. There’s not much I can do for you now, kiddo. You’re just going to have to ride it out and wait for your journey to other side.”

Jared gapes at him. He knows that most dead people aren’t usually revived and sent back into battle with a bunch of crazy, rabid, blood-thirsty sharks. But he’s the only one on Earth who can understand Misha. He can save the city; he knows he can. He just can’t do it while he’s dead.

“What about Jensen?” he asks. “And all the innocent people whose lives at stakes? They need me out there.”

“Really?” Jeff retorts. “They need the guy who couldn’t take down the sharks at the first time of asking?”

Jared growls at him. “Yes!” He sees where he went wrong now. He was too nice. Water guns? He should have opted for tranquiliser guns and kicked their asses good and proper when he had the chance. Now he’s stuck here talking to a stupid God whose idea of entertainment is watching _MTV_. Jensen’s out there fighting a battle that was supposed to be his, and there’s nothing he can do about it. He’s basically signed Jensen’s death warrant.

“You know, I could put a stop to all of this with just a flick of my wrist,” Jeff says conversationally. “But there’s a natural order to be followed so I have to let things pass. However, seeing as how Jensen disobeyed my direct order and is apparently now fighting sharks, I’m going to extend to you a gesture that no other man would receive. And honestly, those sharks are pissing me off. I can’t get _Hermes_ to come down here and fix my internet connection so that we can get Netflix. They’ve been terrorising everyone and it’s time that someone put a stop to it.”

“Uhm.” Jared is suddenly lost for words. He’s used to life being weird but not _this_ weird.

“I’m going to take you back to twenty minutes before you died,” Jeff informs him. “And I’m going to give you some weaponry that will actually work.” A tranquiliser gun materialises out of thin air and Jeff hands it to him.

“T-thanks,” he says hesitantly. “I don’t understand. Why are you helping me?”

“I’m not helping _you_ , let’s be clear,” Jeff says with a derisive snort. “Jensen is my son and I’d kind of like it if he didn’t die. If he does, you’re going to wish that I had left you down here to float away to wherever. I must be out of my mind, damn, Zeus is _not_ going to be happy about this.”

“He won’t die,” Jared says. “I prom--”

Jeff interrupts him. “Promises are for measly humans, not _Gods_. No offence.”

~

“I don’t think this is going to end well,” Paris says. “I mean, I’ve seen this before. In that movie _Jaws_. Wait, let me see if I can load up the theme song.”

Katie turns to glare at her. “What is _wrong_ with you?”

“Jared…” Jensen’s voice is soft and distant but Jared still hears it. “Don’t just stand there! _Say something_.”

This time Jared knows exactly what to say.

“Eat this, assholes.” He aims the tranquiliser gun and fires repeatedly until every single one of the sharks circling him have been stilled. There’s a loud growl in the nearby vicinity and Jared looks up to see Misha glaring at him.

“ _You’ll pay for this, human_ ,” Misha says as he swims away furiously. Jensen’s up and over by Jared’s side before he can breathe a word. The look in his eyes tells Jared that he knows exactly what happened. Chad and Katie on the other hand, seem to be none the wiser.

Well…kind of.

“I could have sworn that Jared was mauled to death,” Katie says slowly. “I must have just blacked out or something.”

Chad ignores all of them. “Guys, come on. Apparently the sharks have regrouped at the main beach area. This is our last chance to take all of them out. And uh, maybe we should invest in some of whatever Jared just used. Water probably wasn’t the smartest tool to fight them with. I mean, they live in water. It’s like using air as your main defence in a bar fight.”

“Chad?” Jared calls. Chad looks up at him expectantly. “Shut the fuck up.”

~

Jared manages to get a hold of his friend Aldis, who's a veterinarian friend of his.

“Wait, so, you need all of the horse tranquilisers I have?” Aldis says. "Is the apocalypse upon us? Are you trying to apprehend the four horsemen?" Jared's always thought that Aldis was quite the oddball so he's used to this kind of randomness. However, he doesn’t really have time to decipher any of it right now.

"Just bring them down to the beach okay? We'll be waiting near that rainbow coloured beach hut." Jared hangs up before Aldis can ask him any more questions. Jensen ambles over to him. He looks concerned and while Jared wants to reassure him, he finds that he can't.

"You seem different," Jensen says, his voice laced with uncertainty. "I...wish. I...I know what happened. To you back then." Jared considers this for a moment. He doesn't feel different. Or look different, past the fact that he's covered in grime and slightly resembles a drowned man-rat hybrid. He’s not different, he’s just angry at his failure to be a good shark whisperer and at the thought of not being able to resolve all of this peacefully.

"I'm still me," Jared says reassuringly. "I'm just having the worst day ever. I spent an undetermined amount of time trapped inside a shark, I'm wet, I was scalped and mauled to death and then I had to deal with Poseidon mocking me and basically calling me a failure and the worst part is that he's right. I am a failure. I can talk the talk but when it comes down to it, I'm awful at shark whispering to anything that doesn't live in SeaWorld and I---mmf." Jared's cut as when Jensen launches himself at him and seals their lips together. The kiss is mostly one sided due to Jared being caught off guard, but the press of Jensen's lips against his feels right. As if they were made to fit together, and fuck, they also kind of have brain stopping abilities because Jared isn't usually that cheesy.

"Just...don't scare me like that again, okay?" Jensen pleads as he grips Jared's shirt. "My father might not be so willing to give you a chance next time."

Jared levels him with a serious look. "There's not going to be a next time."

~

They drive down to the beach in the fire trucks and Jared does is best to listen out for the sharks. For some reason he can hear them even louder and clearer now, and he knows that Misha is planning to hit people on the beach at sundown.

“Do you think the tranquilisers will be enough to take them down?” Jensen asks from where he’s pressed next to Jared. He’s been gripping Jared’s hand since they sat down and Jared sighs and upturns their joined hands. He knows that they won’t be enough to take them down. The sharks are rabid and vicious – if anything, the drugs might them even crazier than they are already. There’s only one solution that Jared can think of.

“Probably not,” he says, as he strokes Jensen’s hand with his thumb. “But I have another idea.”

“Is this one of your good ideas?” Jensen asks. “Or one that makes me thank Poseidon that you’ve at least got a pretty face?”

Jared gives him a disgruntled look. “Think about it. What start all of this in the first place?” Jensen cocks his head to the side as he contemplates the question.

“Uh, we couldn’t find Barack Obama?”

“No, _before_ that,” Jared says, wincing as Chad navigates past a particularly bumpy stretch of road.

“Misha formed an allegiance of very angry sharks?”

“Before that.”

“The US government dumped a ton of toxic waste into the sea?” Jensen suggests hopefully.

Jared nods enthusiastically. “Yes! And we know that it made the sharks so sick that they got all ‘roided up and crazy.”

“Okay,” Jensen says slowly. “Where are you going with this?” Jared can’t help but feel a little chagrined at the fact that Jensen seems to be hesitant about the workability of his plan. He knows that he doesn’t have the best track record but it’d be nice to have someone who believes him.

“Well, there’s no way these sharks will ever be cured. We can’t save them,” Jared points out. “So the only way to take them out is to dump more of that stuff on them.” Jensen’s quiet for a few moments as he considers what Jared’s said. Eventually his face lights up slightly.

“That’s…it’s actually a brilliant plan!” he says. He squeezes Jared’s hand gently. “It sucks that we have to kill the sharks but…they’re probably in pain anyway. And maybe the stuff will be strong enough to tame Misha. It’s becoming increasingly apparent that he’s not going to be talked down.”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it,” Jared says firmly. He has a score to settle with Misha that has nothing to do with his feral army. First he’s going to take those slimy fuckers down and then he’s coming for the Misha, Liam Neeson-style.

“Whoa there, cowboy,” Jensen says and Jared realises that he must have voiced that last part out loud. “Let’s just focus on saving as many people as we can, okay?”

~

The beach is relatively quiet when they get there and Jared sets about getting his plan ready. He raids an abandoned swimwear shop and snags a couple of swimsuits and goggles for them to use. They’ve got to be careful with the toxic sludge because it may also be harmful to humans, so Jared decides that they’ll only unleash that at the last possible moment. He decides to team Jensen and Paris up and put them in charge of getting some of the toxic material to the beach. He gives Jensen a swimsuit and tells him to get changed. Jensen acquiesces without any argument. Paris ignores him in favour of typing away at her phone furiously.

“Paris, I need you to go with Jensen and give him a hand.”

No answer.

“ _Paris_.”

“What?” she says distractedly. Jared grabs her phone and tosses it in the distance. It lands with a loud cracking noise. Paris gapes at him for about five seconds before reaching into her tattered purse and pulling out another cell phone.

“I never leave the house without a spare,” she explains. Jared grabs that one and gives it similar treatment. Paris stares at him, horror painted all over her face. He ignores the expression and shoves the swimsuit into her hands.

“Swimsuit. Jensen. Now.” She snatches it from him and walks off with a huff.

“Chad,” Jared calls. “Our job will be to draw the sharks into one specific area.”

“How are we going to do that?” Chad asks. “We don’t have any bait.”

“Oh, I don’t know, I’d say that we drove past plenty of bait on the way over here,” Jared replies grimly. “You and I will sort that out. Katie, I need you to get as many people out of the way as possible, the less _alive_ bait there is here the better.”

“Man, why I do have to be the one to fondle dead bodies?” Chad whines as Katie goes off to herd people off the beach. Jared ignores him and jumps back into the fire truck. He emerges seconds later with two of the spare fire-retardant suits and tosses one at Chad.

“Put this on,” he says. “We can put the masks on to help conceal the smell.” They’ll also be good for the toxic waste part of Jared’s plan but he doesn’t reveal that just yet. He’d rather not listen to Chad whining some more.

“Hey, are you okay, man?” Chad asks. “You seem weird. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so serious before.”

Jared shrugs. “I’m the only one who can save this city, Chad. If being serious is what it takes then hell, I’ll never crack a smile again. Ethan Hunt’s never failed any of his missions and I don’t intend to fail this one.”

Chad frowns. “You do realise that Ethan Hunt is a fictional character, right?”

~

An hour and several dozen dead bodies later, the majority of the sharks have gathered on the sand. They’re scrabbling for the dead flesh, jaws snapping wildly as they tussle with one another. Despite his ability, Jared can’t really make out what any of them are saying. Aldis calls and says that his car was damaged by a shark, so they can’t even calm the sharks down because they aren’t any more tranquilisers left. While Misha is nowhere to be seen, Jared knows that he’ll emerge soon.

“How is it that they’re able to get around?” Chad asks.

“I guess the chemicals gave them mutant limbs or something?” Jared says. “I’d ask them, but I doubt I’d get a coherent answer from them.

“ _No that sounds about right_ ,” says a voice. “ _It’s me, Tom! Is there anything I can do to help?”_ Jared doesn’t even blink at Tom’s arrival. He’s too busy eyeing the waterspout. There aren’t any more sharks spilling out of it, but he can’t trust that Misha doesn’t have some other tricks up his fins.

“Hey Tom,” he says. “Thanks for the offer. Is there any way you can help destroy that giant water spout?”

“ _Huh. Well, it’s being powered by Poseidon. You might not be able to destroy it right away, but a water shifter should be able to modify it slightly!_ ” Jared’s mind goes to Jensen instantly. He’ll have to ask Jensen to try and move it when he gets back.

“Tom, do you know where Misha is?”

 _“He’s trying to round up some of the other sharks, but they’re pretty sick. They probably won’t make it out of the water spout. He’ll probably here be back soon to give these sharks some kind of pep-brainwash talk._ ”

“Okay, thanks Tom,” Jared replies. “You should probably get out of here before things get ugly.”

~

Jensen and Paris show up with a can of noxious smelling liquid. Jared tells Jensen to work on shifting the waterspout and he tells Paris to go and help Katie. Meanwhile, he and Chad replace the water tank in the fire truck with the toxic waste. They put on the fire masks and gear up to spray the sharks.

“Hey, if we were in a movie what kick-ass song would play over out shark-destroying montage?” Jared asks.

Chad stares at him. “You’re not right in the head, man.” Jared pouts at him. Is it so bad that he’s always wanted his own sound tracked-ass-kicking-movie-montage? Anyone who says that they don’t want one is either lying or…well, Jared doesn’t know.

“Well, when you put it like that…” Chad says when Jared eloquently makes his point. “ _Greyhound_ by _Swedish House Mafia_ gets my vote.”

Jared blinks. “I don’t know what that is, or who they are, but that’s what I’m talking about! Let’s do this!” They jump out of the truck, grab the hoses and stride purposefully to the enclosed area of the beach where they directed the sharks earlier on. Jared imagines that if they were in a movie, this sequence would be in slow motion as the beginning of Chad’s song fades in.

It might be possible that Jared watches way too many movies.

Something becomes painfully obvious when they reach the sharks – they’re going to need someone to switch on the fire hose supply. And considering the fact that the sharks are working themselves up into such a frenzy that some of them are half buried under the sand, Jared needs to come up with a solution quickly. He looks up and sees Jensen trying to concentrate on the waterspout, while Katie is directing a small boy to safety. Paris is…in the middle of a phone call. Jared groans to himself.

“Paris! Hey, Paris, we need your help!” he yells. “We need you to turn on the fire hose supply.”

“How the hell do I do that?” she calls back.

“Just…climb into the first fire truck there and turn the wheels by the giant green container – be quick, that stuff is pretty toxic.”

 _“Oh fuck,”_ one of the sharks says. “ _Really, you’re going to dump more of that shit on us? Misha promised us revenge, not more of the same!_ ”

 _“Fuck that asshole,_ ” another of the shark’s grumbles. Jared gives them a sympathetic look.

“Sorry, guys,” he says soothingly. “Misha used you to wreak carnage and havoc on everyone and now…now it’s time for me to sort this mess out.” The sharks don’t seem to like what he has to say and they start to growl menacingly. Jared feels a wave of panic that he’s never felt before and phantom flash of pain.

He takes a step back. “Paris, _hurry_!” As if on cue, the hose vibrates in his hand and a nasty looking green liquid sprays out. He and Chad do their best to aim it at the sharks and slowly they stop moving, each one stilling one after the other. The rain seems to die down as Jensen finally tames the waterspout and Jared starts to feel good about the whole thing. Maybe, just maybe, he’s done his job successfully for once.

Of course, that’s when Misha turns up, on a motherfucking tractor of all things.

 _“The war’s not over, Padalecki,_ ” he growls as he speeds forward. Jared signals to Jensen discreetly and runs over to the truck to grab something he’d prepared earlier after he’d looted all of the abandoned shops and restaurants. Sure, he could reason with Misha and try and make him see sense, but, Jared is cold, wet and hungry.

Everybody should know that no one fucks with Jared when he’s hungry.

Jensen directs the water from the spout in Misha’s direction, throwing him off the tractor. As Misha’s mouth opens in surprise, Jared runs forward and tosses the bottle in his hand in the air, watching as it sails into Misha’s mouth.

“Surprise!” he yells, as he grabs Jensen and Chad and starts to run in the opposite direction. The reaction is instantaneous as Misha explodes into the air, chunks of blood and shark flesh flying everywhere. Jared’s lifted up into the air by the force of the blast and he lands on his side, pain reverberating in his body as he hits the ground.

Still, the pain can’t take away from the sweetness of his victory – he did it. He’s saved the city!

“Did you just fucking Molotov a fucking shark?” Katie asks in disbelief as she sits up from where she landed. “Fuck.”

“Ew, ew, ew, ew,” Paris cries as she looks down at herself. “Its blood is ALL over me!”

“And me,” Chad says dryly, as he looks over at Jensen who’s suspiciously clean.

“Oh, heck,” Jensen mutters as he flicks his wrist. A wave of water comes out of nowhere and splashes on Chad and Paris, rendering them relatively clean.

“I don’t know why, but you doing that is kind of a turn on,” Jared says, because the euphoria of not fucking up for once is strong and makes his brain-to-mouth filter kind of not work.

“Shh,” Jensen says with a giggle. “We’ll talk about that later.”

Chad gives them a look of disgust. “Get a room. Please. No one here is interested in your love fest.”

“I’m interested!” Katie insists. “As Paris would say ‘That’s hot.’”

Paris looks up from where she’s texting on Jared’s phone. “You know, I trademarked that. I can sue you for $30,000 just for saying it.” They all turn to stare at her. After a few seconds she breaks into a smile. “I’m kidding!” They all laugh uncomfortably until she asks if they want a ride in her helicopter, and their laughter becomes a tad more enthusiastic.

~

In the days that follow, the media chase after Jared and beg him to grant them interviews but he refuses in favour of holing up with Jensen at his house. Truth be told, he’s still a little shaken up by the whole ordeal. The media are calling what happened ‘Sharknado’, and claiming that Jared ‘tamed the eye of the storm’ - whatever the hell that even means.

Paris has no qualms with entertaining the journalists and talking up her role in everything, and somehow she becomes a national hero. Jared tries hard not to question the sensibilities of the American people.

Jensen’s halfway through stroking the angry, red, shark-inflicted scar on Jared’s side when he tenses up suddenly.

“Shit, my Dad is on his way!” he scrambles up and out from under the covers and is reaching for whoever’s underwear is hanging from the lampshade when Jeff appears.

“Ugh, put it away, son,” Jeff says with a grimace as Jensen shrieks and jumps back into the bed. Jared is very glad that he’s at least wearing a pair of cargo shorts.

“Sorry, I couldn’t come sooner,” Jeff says once Jensen’s settled himself next to Jared. “ _Hermes_ finally got his ass down to the ocean and fixed us up with high-speed optic fibre broadband. I’ve been binge-watching shows on Netflix ever since. Have you been watching _House of Cards_?”

“Uh, no?” Jared says.

Jeff raises an eyebrow. “You land-people don’t appreciate what you have.”

“Are you here for a specific reason, or is this just a fly-by visit?” Jensen asks dryly.

“Well, Jared did well to rid us of Misha, so The Court of Poseidon decided that he deserved some kind of reward,” Jeff replies. “I tried to explain that he’d already received the gift of bedding my son—“

“Excuse me?” Jared interjects just as Jensen says, “Oh, how nice of you.”

“—but they seem to be more interested in material things, as it were,” Jeff continues. He tosses a gold medallion at Jared, and it falls into his lap. “So here you go. Yadda, yadda, you were a very brave man, yadda, yadda. Congratulations!”

“I’m beginning to think that whoever wrote your Wikipedia page was just talking you up,” Jared says slowly. “No offence.”

“None taken,” Jensen and Jeff say in unison.

Jeff clicks his fingers and vanishes, leaving them both staring at thin air.

“God, he’s so embarrassing,” Jensen mumbles. Jared merely admires his brand new, sparkling medallion.

~

While Jensen staying at his house is awesome and all, eventually Jared has to get back to work. He goes back to his lifeguard job because it turns out that no one really wants to hire a previously-but-no-longer-universally mocked marine biologist. Scientists are kind of prickly that way. Plus, the environmentalists are still pissed over the whole toxic waste thing. Jared has better things to be doing anyway, now that he has enough money to make his documentary.

“You should make a movie!” Jensen says excitedly when Jared gets home one day. “Like, The Shark Whisperer Diaries! You’re a normal guy one day until your mom suddenly announces that you’re actually a prince that hears sharks.”

“That sounds a lot like The Princess Diaries,” Jared says.

Jensen nods emphatically. “I know! Ah, back when Anne Hathaway still spoke in her original accent.”

“You’ve been watching _way_ too many movies,” Jared replies with a chuckle. “But anyway, how the hell am I going to be able to make a movie. I can barely get anyone to take me seriously enough to start on my documentary.”

“Screw them,” Jensen says, with a fierce look in his eyes. “You have something that they don’t - actual knowledge and understanding of sea creatures, and _me_.” Jared’s not sure what to say to that. These last few weeks have been fun. They’ve had good times, disastrous times and some smoking hot sex, but Jared hasn’t really gotten the impression that Jensen’s going to stick around. Jensen’s already been saying that he misses his home and Jared’s not going to be stupid enough to make him choose. Or maybe he should just ask. Or forget about the whole thing. Not that there’s any harm in asking—but then he might seem clingy. Or maybe Jensen _wants_ him to ask and Jared’s just been--

“What’s going on inside that big head of yours?” Jensen pokes his forehead gently. “Are you doing that thing where you think about something and end up in that ‘ _why am I thinking about this?_ ’ loop?”

“You know me so well.” Jared’s voice takes on a sad note and he tries to make up for it with a smile. Of course Jensen sees right through it and he leans over to kiss Jared soundly, not stopping until Jared’s perked up a little

“I know everything about you,” he says, with an intense look in his bright green eyes. “And I know that you’re wondering about us and whether or not I’m going to stay or go home.”

“Well, yeah,” Jared admits. “We haven’t really talked about it.”

“We haven’t really done much talking,” Jensen says with a suggestive waggle of his eyebrows.

“Why are you guys always disgustingly sappy when I’m around?” Chad grumbles from where he’s parked on Jared’s couch. Jared can honestly say that he’d forgotten that Chad was there.

“At least it beats being plain, old disgusting,” Katie says as she pokes Chad in the side. “You and Paris owe me a new deck chair.” Jensen rolls his eyes and stands up. After dragging Jared into the kitchen and ignoring Chad’s cry of ‘ _make sure you keep your bodily fluids **off**_ _the food_ ’, Jensen is finally able to continue.

“I miss the ocean and Poseidon,” Jensen says. “And one day I’d like to go back, but right now…home for me is _you_ , Jared, and I want to stay here. With you.” Jared feels a wave of happiness bubbling up inside him and he draws Jensen into a bear hug.

“What’s happening?” Jensen asks, voice muffled from where his face is pressed into Jared’s neck.

“I’m hugging you!” Jared says brightly. “Now that you’re sticking around, you’re going to have to get used to it!”

“You’re insane,” Jensen says, laughing as Jared finally pulls back.

“Says the guy – sorry, _half-human_ – who can move water with his mind,” Jared retorts.

Jensen shrugs and concedes Jared’s point. “Okay, so maybe we’re both a little certifiable. Either way, I wouldn’t change it for anything.”

“Me neither,” Jared says as he latches onto Jensen’s hand and intertwines their fingers.

 

**The End**

_**End credits** _

After making a shit ton of money from **'Dive Hard'** _**Jared**_ and _**Jensen**_ opened an aquarium...

...which was shut down three years later when the whales staged a revolt, and Jared found that he couldn’t speak ‘whale-ese’.

 _ **Paris Hilton**_ won critical acclaim for her role in 'Dive Hard' and went on to marry _**Chad Michael Murray**..._

...their marriage lasted for a grand total of 34 days.

 _ **Katie Cassidy**_ topped the Billboard 100 chart for 14 consecutive weeks with her single ‘ _This Fins Like A Shark Attack_ ’…

…it’s safe to say that she went down in the books as a ‘one hit wonder’.

  
  
  
  



End file.
